Blessed

Dreaming is such a special thing....it allows us to go on special journeys we can't actually do in real life on this earth. It allows us to talk to people we can't normally talk to, for various reasons. It allows us to do whatever we what to do, see whomever our subconscious wants us to see.


Last night, I was blessed enough in my dream to have been able to say goodbye, one last time to my grandmother.

Let me explain. It was truly an eerie dream and I wouldn't even be blogging about it if it weren't for it continuously popping back into my head. This coming weekend will be her memorial service, and lots and lots of relatives I know and that she knew will be attending. It will be a time not for mourning, per say but for a celebration of her wonderful life and time with us. It will be a time to spend time with other family and truly express how much we love one another through thick and thin.

Thats sort of what this dream was. It was the memorial weekend for her, just as it is coming, and everyone I expect to be there, was there. My families funny antics all happened, we laughed, we cried, we played jokes and pranks on one another. We were family. Most of all--my grandmother was there. In the dream, it was my understanding that although I knew we were there for her memorial services, that she had come back and had been revived and was in full health, full walking condition and everything, and was able to spend the weekend, and the weekend alone with us. We played board games. I saw her laugh one more time and smile once more in my sleep. She laughed at the childrens jokes once more, her giggly full-hearted laugh with her rosy cheeks.

Most importantly, we each got to say goodbye in the dream. I did. I got to see her once more.


Do you believe that ghosts can do this ? Do you believe they can "tap in" to our dream world and show themselves, for times like this ? Do you believe in any of that or do you think this was merely just a glimmer  of my subconscious envisioning her? Either way, I think, it doesn't matter. My mind conjured up a new experience with her, made from combining my subconscious already knows about her prior, and used all that to let me have one more memory, even if it is in a dream. One more memory.



I woke up happy.



~ WNB


Do you believe?

Your Average Happy Read

So in case you don't like to read, Let me tell you a little bit about reading anyway. And if you do like to read, then hopefully you will agree with me and it will make you smile. Well, the inside type of smile, you probably won't actually smile.

1. Finding a book.

This is really hard. Sometimes you might have a list ....like, a "must read" list. You always have so much schoolwork, work, family stuff to do that you dream about finally getting to read this list. You dream about just lounging around, when the day comes that you can just read all day and how you are totally going to conquer all 56 books on your reading list. But then the time comes when you actually have a free day....to start a new book....and you find yourself staring at your bookshelf of 300 unread books and you suddenly feel overwhelmed. Your list has shipped out the window, they all look equally as good to you. Suddenly your books on your list seem too daunting, you might want more of an easy read, a quick read, a happy mindless read.

So after staring at the bookshelf for 45 minutes and maybe even dusting off the shelf because you stared at it long enough for you to be bothered by the dust, you finally pick a book you found at the back of your bookshelf that you bought five years ago at a book fair that you promised yourself you would read right away but you never actually did, obviously. But you are SO reading it now.

2. You start your book.

This is also hard. Unless its like Harry Potter or something marvelous and earth-shattering like that, then chances are you aren't going tto be swept in instantly. It will take some patience, work, energy, learning....you have to meet all these new characters, get to know them. The Why's, the Hows, the Whos, the Whats....its all so new. New settings, trying to figure out the plot line. Some people never make it past this stage. They get distracted after their first read by the kids or by work or by sleep or by an angry turtle or something and then the book gets tucked away under their carseat somewhere and they are haunted of the task of returning to it again one day. Or maybe you do have intentions of returning, but life distracts you so that by the time you finally return, like 5 weeks later, you go to your bookmark and you are obviously lost in whats happening. But you hate the thought of starting over, and you cant continue reading from where you are because you are lost, so you give it up entirely and tuck it back into its corner of the bookshelf.

Or maybe that didn't happen! Maybe after all the hard work, energy and effort it takes from a true reader to fight through the beginning stages of a book, you made it to the best part. Continue on.

3. The best part of the book.

This is when you are officially addicted to your read. You delight in the fact that you still have over THREE QUARTERS OF YOUR BOOK LEFT, YAY!!! You love your characters. You love reading about them. You think you practically KNOW them. They are like, your best friends.

You go about your day and do the tasks you have to do, but you spend this time thinking about your book. You think about the next time you can snuggle up under your covers and just read for no time limit, or bask in the sun tanning while reading all day. Your newfound character best friends float through your head all day and you envision what they would say or do if faced with the situation you are currently trying to actually solve in real life right now.

If you are really unique and rather um....special....like me, you go even farther in the addiction-taking-it-too-far-phase. Example: The book I am reading now, takes place in Australia and they obviously use Australian type slang and whatnot.

Well, guess who is greeting their patients with an Australian accent and going up to her friends saying, "Whats up, mate?" Yeah, me.

4. Your book ends abruptly.

This is extremely disappointing because you were so addicted during the addiction-phase that you forgot to read slowly and make it last. You tried! You did! But it was just SO GOOD that you read really fast and then all of the sudden it ENDS! How dare the book END? You check to see if there is some sort of sequel. Nothing. You might be depressed at this stage because you know you have parted with these characters forever. You will no longer read their quick banty humor all day and you will no longer long to read at your next opportunity. You find yourself longing for something that isn't there, like as if you've lost a friend and you can't call them anymore when something is wrong. Its rather terrible....mate.

5. Start over. Find a new book. *sigh*

~WNB

Nursing Rule 101

If you want a surefire way to awaken a sleeping giant, in case you ever felt the desire to do this-

--just stick a thermometer in their ear.






Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to jostle someone awake- shout their name, touch their arm,  hand, whatever- they don't wake up. But I have to get their temperature, you know? So then I shrug and I'm all like, whatever. So then I even WARN THEM even though they are totally unconscious and not listening, that I am going to put a thermometer in their ear. And then when they still don't respond despite my valiant efforts- I go ahead and do it and then without fail, every time, I nearly get attacked, swatted at, yelled at, etc.


Hey, I warned you. I need that temperature at any cost.


But really, keep that in mind if you ever have a patient that totally isn't responding to anything you do. If they don't respond to that, they might be dead.




Disclaimer: they probably aren't dead. Continue with normal dead-checking measures.

It's coming for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu in your sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

~WNB humor

To Have Said Goodbye

I'm not sure how to say this....life post-Europe has been great. I have been seeing so many friends, old friends, friends, new friends.......I have been with family around the clock, both nuclear and out-of-state family...and this has all been a pretty happy time. But thats the thing. It makes me undeniably nervous. Nauseous.


With the recent *unexpected* passing of my maternal grandmother, it woke me up. That was my first close relative that has passed away....although I am with and around death so much at work and in other parts of my life, I was never a survivor until now.

It woke me up. It made me realize that we truly do take so much for granted, even if we are good people and don't intend to...Sometimes I think we think we are immortal. We forget death happens to all of us. We forget that our loved ones could die any minute, we could face death ourselves tomorrow and not know it. Any of us.

We forget that. Because its morbid, and depressing....But then the unexpected happens and we are left with not even being able to say goodbye.


This all has made me so jumpy, so anxious, so nervous....that I am going to lose more. If I lost my grandmother, I could lose my other grandmother too. I could lose my father who has a suspicious family history of heart disease. I could lose a close friend. It really has made me realize how fragile everyone is. How fragile I am.

I went to spend a week with my paternal grandmother this past week. Its been a long-due visit....and it shouldnt have been. I should be seeing her all the time. And with my maternal grandmother passing, it has motivated me to just drive out to see her and just....spend time with her. She tells me all the time when I am with her that she feels "guilty" that she is not "entertaining" me, but she doesn't even know that all I want is to just be around her.

With this newfound anxiety and feeling like I could lose it all in a second, I have been acting weird. I am trying so much harder to mentally-record special moments with loved ones I am afraid of losing....and when I can't rely on mental, I have been taking pictures with her too. Just savoring moments, taking it all in in case I have to remember it all tomorrow. Its eerie. I don't like being like this....but is it necessary, sometimes?

Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe and know that. As unfortunate as it was, my grandmothers death happened for a reason....but what reason?

I guess we aren't always meant to know for what reason, but a reason there is. We just have to have faith.


I said earlier in my blog after it had just happened, that it didn't feel real. That I still expected to see her when I travelled next to North Carolina. To talk to her on the phone, still. To see a comment on one of my pictures on facebook from her. That her death was just a hiccup in her health and it was a quick hospital visit, but she's ok now. I'll see her. But thats not true, and Its starting to settle in now. For my mom and my aunt, they have both expressed it "settling in" when they call their house and their father will never more say, "Let me go get mom".

For me, it has hit in unexpected ways. The other day I browsed through my phone contacts and realized I had my grandmothers cell phone number saved. Did I ever even call it? Just to talk? Also, I was just viewing my blog followers and realized she registered as a blog follower, quite some time ago, so she could receive emails when I post. Its those little reminders that punch you in the stomach.

I feel extremely sad that she was so excited for me to be able to go to Europe...and she only got to see a few blogs. It kills me that she couldn't even have seen a single picture. If I had known, I would have made more of an effort to get pictures up for her to see.....but who ever knows? You can't live your life with the "If I had known...." racing through your negative thoughts. You didn't know. I didn't know. But I know now, and maybe the "reason" for it all is to make me stronger and to realize for the future how fragile life truly is, and to savor every breath, every moment. Say goodbye to people as if you won't see them again, tell them how much you love them. Every time you see them...


As a conclusion to this eerie post, I leave you with an eerie finding. A week or so I stumbled across one of my county college's literature book that I have been published several times in, back in the day. The following poem is a poem I wrote back in 2006, to express the heartbreak of loss. Losing someone close to you. How that feels. It just seemed fitting that I just happened to stumble across it again, now. Like I wrote it for the future almost.....


"To Say Goodbye"

It's Learning
                    To say goodbye.
                                  To look through this fine print,
And see, eye for eye, the impact that has hit.
                    To say goodbye,
Is learning
                    That this is the hardest part of dying.
It's not the pain that comes with it....
                     Not the physical pain.
                                      It's the tearing.
                                                 The Ripping Away,
                                                          At an innocent heart.
                                                                             Innocent?

It's an Anger,
                        masking an inevitable sadness.
                                                           A fear.
                                                           A Hope.
A dream.

                                                           A truth.

It's pretending to be angry, so you don't have to;
                                Cry,
                                Let go.
An anger,
                For leaving us here.
                             For giving up.
                                         For seeing the light.
                                                     Without us.

For knowing that in the end, they chose death,
                     rather than pain.
                                             They chose heaven.
                                             They turned down life.
                                                           A change.
                                                           A chance?

An anger. A frustration.
                You should have stopped them.
                You should have been there.
You didn't say goodbye....So much anger.
You think about it,
                 over and over and over again.
        What could have gone differently?

Would it have been wrong to have asked you to stay?
                                Because of a need?
                                An inability to let go?
                                                    to say goodbye?
A fear?
             Of being alone?


One more chance......

                                     .....to say goodbye.



I love you Grandma. Miss you. Miss your smile.



~A Writer in a Nurse's Body